So it's the end of another year and with it comes time to do the end of the year top tens. Last year I only managed to get the top ten video games list out and never managed to finish the movies list until it was so far into the new year that releasing it would have felt pointless. This year however I have sworn to work more on my blog and on my reviews. And I thought what better way to start off the new year then with a pair of top fives and how about we start the year with the list's I wasn't able to make last year?
Now I'll be honest, in my opinion this wasn't a great year for movies. Sure there were of course bright spots, most notably that Marvel proved that it's franchised movies can still stand on their own legs after the big team up movie. And of course there are the good movies that are out there.
But for every bright spot, there seemed to be a spot of disappointment. Many movies failing to live up to expectations, the return of Schwarzenegger and Stallone to their action movie roots mired by awful scripts, Man of Steel failing to live up to expectations yet somehow it's good enough to springboard a Justice league franchise, the fact that movies like Grown Up's 2, The Smurfs 2 and Movie 43..........exist, and in my opinion a very lackluster Oscar season all lead up to this very over whelming feeling of "eh it was kind of a good year I guess".
Never the less I've come up with my Top 5 Worst Movies of 2013, it was alot easier choosing the worst of list but the one's that are on the best are so good that they save this year from being completely forgettable.
Now I want to make something clear, I'm not going after easy targets for the worst of list. That means no Grown Up's 2, Smurfs 2, Movie 43 and no direct to DVD offerings. Most of those choices are obviously bad and you don't expect any of them to really be any good. With that said let's move on to the worst of list after the jump.
Number 5: Man of Steel
Now hold on to your butts people. Yes, Man of Steel is not the worst movie out there. There are definitely things it does right. I like the acting, I like the fight sequences (even if the debris factor is completely over the top.), I like Henry Cavil as Superman. And hell I even scored it very averagely at a 5 out of 10 because at the time that's just what felt was right for it. So why is it on this list? Because I rewatched it. 3 different times. And through those rewatchings I found that no movie this year or last year or the year before that has disappointed me more then Man of Steel has.
Man of Steel had every opportunity to be something amazing. It had talented director Zak Snyder known for adding his own cinematic touch to existing franchises, some don't like it but I usually enjoy it (sometimes *cough*Sucker Punch*Cough*). It had Christopher Nolan, a man who pulled the long stagnate and presumed dead Batman franchise out of the gutter and made it a multi million dollar film franchise again. It had a talented cast of actors giving it their all and the ability to finally provide us with Superman fights that feel like they are worthy of being Superman fights. THIS SHOULD HAVE BEEN AMAZING. So what happened? One Man and his script.
David S. Goyer's script is the focal point for every problem I have with MOS. The beginning is awkwardly put together, jumping back and forth from Clark's past to his present. It's not done well as there is no lead up to these flash backs or really much of a transition. They just awkwardly jump back and forth between the two because they need to establish the back story but never connect it to Clark's present and just awkwardly shove it in there. Characters are shoved into scenes they have no business being in. Lois is shoved into almost every scene in the film, why? She has no reason to be in half of her scenes, why is she brought up to the alien spaceship? Because she needs to be there to rescue Superman of course. But that's a poor excuse. Characters either act completely stupid or out of character. "YES! Let my human father run over to the truck to rescue the dog from the tornado instead of me the invincible man of steel who could probably get there faster and have an easier time of rescuing the dog then my father would". And even the controversial ending I wouldn't have a problem with if ANY part of it was followed up on at all. But no.
This is apparently the film that is supposed to be the springboard for DC and Warner Bros. to launch their own DC film universe and if this film is any indication of what's to come, color me unimpressed DC.
Number 4: The Lone Ranger
So what do you get when you take Pirates of the Caribbean plus Wild Wild West plus Jonah Hex plus Johnny Depp in a funny hat doing a funny voice? You get the Lone Ranger.
I don't even know where to start with this one. The story in this film is dull, and that's weird to say about a movie that focuses on a masked vigilante that has apparently come back from the dead to seek justice on the man that did him in. But much like the film from last year that oddly resembles this one, John Carter, there will be just long stretches of the film in which nothing interesting is happening at all. And that just completely kills the pacing of this two and a half hour movie. I wont say all of it was uninteresting, the stuff with Tonto is kind of interesting and as cheesy as it is I couldn't help but smile when the Lone Ranger theme kicks on. But those moments are few and far between.
But let's talk about the elephant in the room, Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow as Tonto. I say Jack Sparrow because that's basically what Depp is doing here. And I get it, Jack Sparrow is huge and people love Jack Sparrow and he made Disney alot of money. But there is a point where seeing Depp play the same character over and over and over again is getting really really annoying.
Anyway yes, Johnny Depp plays a native American and it's just as awkward to watch as you would think it is. What makes it even more awkward is that Johnny Depp playing Jack Sparrow playing Tonto isn't even done well. All his "Indian" speak isn't delivered very well it seems odd and awkward like Depp wasn't even having fun in this movie. And you can especially tell with the way he interacts with his co star Armie Hammer as the Lone Ranger. These guys really don't have any chemistry, they never feel like they have any real bond or friendship throughout the movie. And you have to really feel bad for Armie Hammer, the guy is the main character of the film, the star of the show! And what does all the promotional material focus on and whose name did they put first on the poster, Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow as Tonto.
The Lone Ranger is a train wreck of a film. The awful script, poor pacing, odd casting and lack of interest in this film pretty much sunk it at the box office and for good reason. The Lone Ranger has ridden off into the sunset and he should probably stay there.
Number 3: R.I.P.D
If you ever wanted to see the most tired, cliche, uninteresting action movie that came out of 2013 look no farther then RIPD. I have little to no idea how this film made it into the summer movie scene, this seems like something that should have been shat out in January or February so that I would at least know that I should be weary of it. But the fact that it was put out in July like they thought it was going to be this big hit makes me think that someone had a lot of faith in this one. And hopefully that guy has been fired.All right let's address the most common criticism of this movie, it's basically if you took Men in Black and combined it with Supernatural. I think the more accurate description is it's basically Men in Black if Men in Black half assed everything. And comparing it to MIB is not hard. You look at the premise, the characters or their roles, the trailers and you really can't help but think about it. But again it's only MIB but if MIB did everything a lot worse.
The chemistry between Ryan Reynolds and Jeff Bridges isn't there. It's so bad it feels like they recorded their scenes at two completely different times. And that wouldn't hurt the film so bad if it was decently acted but again it's half assed. Jeff Bridges is doing that Jeff Bridges thing that he's been doing in every movie lately where he really likes to slur his words and talk with some sort of southern accent. It's so cliche and boring for him to do that character now it's almost over taken "The Dude" persona he's so firmly established for himself. And Ryan Reynolds, look I have stuck up for him for a long time but he is doing me no favors in choosing the movies he is choosing. He looks so unsure of himself and so stiff in this film that he just dies in every scene, and especially when he's put next to Jeff Bridges. Even a half assing it Jeff Bridges is enough to blow Ryan Reynolds out of the water.
The film is also incredibly cliche, even if you don't think about the MIB comparison. You know exactly how this film is going to play out and exactly what's going to happen. Come on, they put Kevin Bacon in the film and if you do or don't know anything about Kevin Bacon you know exactly what is going to happen to him when you see him on screen.
There's definitely more I could say about this film like how it's full of plot holes and the CGI looks like something the PS2 crapped out but in the end the best way to describe this film is that it is completely uninteresting and unneeded. You aren't going to get anything out of this film that you couldn't out of MIB or tons of others that have tried to ape that buddy cop formula to much better effect. R.I.P.D is better off dead and buried.
Number 2: The Host
The Twilight movies may finally be over and done with but the fingerprints of Stephanie Meyer aren't completely gone from the film industry. The Twilight movies are not the worst films in the world to me, they are certainly terrible to be sure but there is this hilarious charm to them that they really can get so bad that they are endlessly entertaining. They take every stupid idea, insane plot development, bland character and forced romantic relationship so seriously and makes it so over the top extreme that I can't help but laugh and say to myself "They really want me to take this seriously?".But what would happen if you took the same bland characters, same stupid ideas, same insane plot developments, same forced romantic relationships and replaced all the vampires with aliens? Well you get The Host, a film that is completely devoid of any of the bad movie charm of the twilight films and manages to be something that the Twilight films, for as bad as they were, never really managed to be, boring as hell.
The Host may just be the most boring film of the year, and considering what my number one is, that is definitely saying a lot. The thing with The Host is that absolutely nothing about it elicited a response from me. The story is stupid to say the least but it's so convoluted and odd that I have nothing to say about it other then it is incredibly convoluted and odd. I guess you could say that that makes the film more interesting, but so many of the things brought up in The Host are never fleshed out or given any real development that most of the time many parts of the film are just there to be convoluted and odd.
The acting is terrible across the bored but unlike Twilight acting where you can make fun of just how serious or badly those people playing their roles are being (or in some cases how over the top they are being) the acting in The Host is the worst kind of acting, the actors are bored. I don't know if anyone in this movie really cared about what they were doing. None of the leads have enough charisma to carry this film or the relationships that it establishes. Not even Saoirse Ronan, who blew me away in Hanna with how charming and likable she was able to make a child assassin. Not even she can breath life into a character that is so uninteresting and boring that you wonder why we are even following this character to begin with. And the other characters in the movie are basically just faces on a poster and what I mean by this is that they are basically there to sell the movie with just how pretty and cool they look as they stare off into the sunset. There's nothing to say about them other then I guess they exist. But I may even be wrong about that and they could be some sort of automatic hologram that doesn't understand this thing we humans call emotions.
Never in a thousand years would I have thought that I would actually have to measure something up to the Twilight movies but I just can't help it in this situation. The Twilight movies are terrible terrible movies that no film should ever attempt to emulate, but The Host is even worse. The Twilight films at least have that riffable charm. They are movies that you can sit down with friends, put them on, grab a few beers and have a great time making fun of just how bad they are. The Host is none of those things, this is the equivalent of watching a moldy piece of bread slowly grow more mold. Though at least there may be a silver lining, maybe now that The Host is out and both a critical and financial failure maybe now Stephanie Meyer will finally leave the film industry alone.
Number 1: After Earth
I had quite the dilemma when coming up with this list. I wasn't sure weather to put The Host or After Earth at number one. Both of them were poorly acted, poorly written boring pieces of garbage. Both of them have the personality of dead rabbit. And both are able to suck all the charisma out of it's leading stars. I ultimately decided to go with After Earth for a few reasons. Number 1 is that I feel this is a movie that has potential to be good but never takes any chances to take the better route. Number 2 is that for as stupid as The Host was, this movie is even stupider. And number 3 and most importantly is that After Earth managed to do something to me that is bound to get you on a worst of list at some position, it managed to be incredibly boring but also incredibly rage inducing.
Very few times in my life have I managed to find a film that is able to be as infuriating and boring as After Earth. The boring parts is just as easy to identify as the infuriating parts. The film is washed in this horrible color pallet of gray, dark green, black and very muted colors that gives the film and the landscape a very drab ugly look. It's uninteresting to look at to say the least and while the cinematography is actually very solid but beautiful cinematography pointing at an ugly environment is still going to look like an ugly environment.
Worse then all that though is the actors in this movie. It's pretty much the Will and Jaden Smith show, and you think to your self "That doesn't sound so bad, Will Smith is one of the most charismatic likable guys in Hollywood, surely he'll be able to carry a film by himself". And then you realize that the majority of the film focuses on Jaden Smith and it's actually up to him to carry it. Jaden Smith has basically a quarter of the charm that Will Smith and naturally the film crushes Jaden under it's own weight. He looks so out of place and confused and unsure of what to do that it makes the film feel like it's dragging on forever and it's only an hour and a half movie! And even when Will Smith is in the film, he has zero personality. And I get it, that's the way his character was supposed to come off. He is meant to come off as a stern noble solider that doesn't have any time for charisma or charm. But that's just the thing, when you strip away Will Smiths biggest asset, his likability and personality, you are left with one of the most boring unlikable characters I've seen all year. Nothing about Cypher Rage (yes that is his real name) screams hero or guy I want to know more about. I would like to spend time with anyone else on this list over this guy. I don't know why in the world Will Smith would want to play a character that has none of the traits that he himself is known for. And what's worse is that this story was written by Will Smith himself, he came up with this character specifically for himself to play. So either Will Smtih has no idea what makes himself such a good actor or he has no idea what makes a good character.
Of course though that's all the boring stuff and being boring is only half of the problem with this movie. What really really pissed me off about this film is that it's another over blown ego trip by Will Smith to A) Get him another Oscar nomination (yeah cause this script is totally going to make you Oscar worthy) B) It's another poor attempt by Smith to shove his son into the acting spotlight and C) Is just how crappy this movie is in all aspects. Story, characters, writing, acting, directing, editing and just everything about this film is bad. The story is full of holes that are never addressed or even given a poor explanation. Like how does all the greenery on the planet continue to exist if it freezes over every night or for that matter how do all the animals continue to live. Why does that one animal come back to save Katai Rage (Jaden Smith, yes I know it's a stupid name)? Why would it do that, it's an animal and there's been no hint to suggest that there's any kind of spiritual aspect to the story so it just helps him because he totally owed him one. Why the hell did that eagle adopt Katai and then sacrifice it self to save Katai from the cold. Did it not know how to survive the cold after all these years of being an eagle and taking care of it self?!?!?!?! Where the hell is the crumbled civilization part of this earth? There's nothing around here it's all just green and jungle and forest. Were there human survivors that didn't make it off earth? Where are they?!?!?!?!? And why is Earth so damn dangerous?!?!?!?!?!? It's pretty much made of plants, monkeys, eagles, snakes a weird lion wolf thing and the cold. Is that really the only reasons we didn't come back to Earth. The cold doesn't seem to affect anyone or anything so why the hell did no one come back and why has it been completely quarantined off?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Why the Hell is M.Night Shyamalan directing this film. Yeah that's a good idea, pair up a director who has a signature slow filming style and pair it with a script that is incredibly slow moving, that will definitely make a lighting fast plot!!!!!!!!!!And why is my hand turning into a Dolphin?!?!?!?! And who are you people!?!?!?!?!?!? WHy ArE you looking At thiS Blog?!?!?!?!?!? AnD whAt is the ColoR PUrple?!?!?!?!?!? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Okay.....okay I'm better, sorry I just freaked out there for a moment and then decided to write down it all down into my list to which I don't want to erase it for some reason. But I hope I've illustrated my point. After Earth may be one of the worst films I've ever seen. As I was sitting in the theater watching it, I hated every moment. I sat there for what felt like hours, twisting in my seat, fidgeting with my drink doing anything to not be as bored or angry as I was. Though I didn't walk out (as I have never walked out of a movie in my life) this film almost made me do it. It's so rage inducing yet boring as well that it's neither fun nor interesting to watch. In terms of Shyamalan's other movies it's not as bad as The Last Airbender but it's damn close. I never ever want to see this movie again. And I think that statements sums up every bit of this movie perfectly. It's so bad that I never ever want to see it again. Period.
Stay tune for the Best of the Year list coming soon.
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